fucking planet of the apes

so today i decided to go to the horseshoe for some 1/3 and 2/5 action. i find live poker pretty fun in general, though i don't really go very often. the horseshoe was pretty busy today as it's the weekend and the degens have to find some way to gamble their paychecks away.

anyways, i float from 1/3 for a bit until a 2/5 seat opens up. i don't really play many (or any) hands. i am lodged between a guy who looks like ****ing uncle rico-
and this super ****ing mammoth of a fatass. good lord i smelled him from a mile away.

the casino tried starting another table but none of the retards showed up. the lineup was an old retard, a gayrab lady, and a fatass lady. i proposed we play 4-handed but all of them declined. i was forced to go back to 1/3 and donk around there.

the 2/5 called me not too long after and i sat. the game looked pretty good...there were some definite retards sitting.

first orbit i open A:club:Q:heart: to $20 after a limper, a guy to my direct left who looked exactly like :


did his best gus hansen impression and reraised me to $110. i folded without much thought.

anyways, i run pretty ****ing cold the first hour or two. zero cards. all pps miss, i raise a few scs and get called a few ways, then am forced to just c/f when flops like KKQ hit when it's 4 way action. i limp a few other marginal hands in position and don't hit. i'm down a few hundred pretty quickly just from reloading. there was one retarded situation where two limp in front, i bump up KQ, one call (the two limpers fold). the flop is T67 and the douche donks into me. i fold and show my neighbors the KQs (the two people that limped were to my direct right) and they both said they limp/folded AQ. LOL RETARDS.

fat arab lady next to me starts talking with me. it appears her husband is at the same table as her and he's definitely not all there. the guy was an old retard and super super laggy...he would make bizarre plays (pretty much the prefect description of live play) and spaz alot.

anyways, i opened AA UTG, gayrab calls, a few others call. flop is Q92. i bet $60 into $80, gayrab lady makes it $160. she has like $400 total so i just jam the rest in and she tanks. she starts talking to herself and i'm like "oh **** this lady is about to get raped". then she says "if you have queens then oh well, i call" and i **** a brick. she flips red deuces and i'm drawing pretty much dead. i reload to $500.

by this time i'm down about $900...i only brought $1.5k (maybe a bit too little, i didn't expect to lose this quickly lol). overall i've ran pretty ****ing bad at the horseshoe with all things considering. i can remember hands from a while back where i always either ran into the top of someone's range and/or got sucked out on as a decent favorite. anyways, enough crying from me...

i witness a bizarre hand later...super super azn nit to my direct right (who plays literally like 2 hands an hour, he l/f-ed AQ earlier) limp/calls AQo again. the PFR was from MP, who had been pretty active and bad. the SB comes along as well (so it's EP limps, MP raises, SB calls, EP calls).

flop is A 7 6 and sb donks like full pot. EP (tight azn) tanks for a minute or two while staring into SB's heart. this fat**** tard with a big stack and a UFC hat calls time on the azn. the azn gets super pissed off and eventually folds (while showing me)/MP folds. SB proudly shows black TT and scoops.

the direct next hand, the azn sits there preflop and asks the fat**** if he wants to call time on him again. the fat**** says it wasn't anything personal. the azn continues to talk **** to the fatass and the fatass spazzes and runs off/calls the floor.

another hand i call a raise with 56 in position from gayrab's husband, the table maniac. a few others call as well.

flop is 667. maniac bets $20 into $100, tightish guy who has been running like the sun calls $20. i raise to $70, gayrab lady cold calls $70 behind me, all else fold.

turn K i bet $120 and she folds. mustve been some idiotic 89 or spades.

you see some of the dumbest **** in live poker...man...it just amazes me how retarded people can get. i saw this one hand earlier when the gayrab lady and this other fat butch went at it...limped pot, flop is 9T2...sb bets $10, gayrab JAMS for $150, fat butch tanks forever and calls with QJo, saying she had pot odds. i wanted to start smacking her over and over but didn't. (QJ eventually did hit a straight so what do i know, maybe she's a potripper ffs).

anyways, not really too many other interesting hands. i slowly build sortve a stack with $750 or so after i raise KJo, maniac husband calls along w/ a few others. flop Qxx, cked around. turn K i bet maniac calls, river x he c/fs.

there was another hand a little later where i open JJ UTG and get like 4 callers. this other old monkey makes it $40 from the SB and i'm ****ting a brick, but call obviously. everyone else calls as well. i'd seen him spaz out earlier where he b/c the turn w/ TT on 4438 board in a limped pot (when it was obvious the other person had a 4) and then c/c-ed the river in a spazzy fashion. anyways, on this JJ hand, the pot was super super bloated ($40 pf like 6 ways).

flop Q23r, old nit bets $50. i called, though in retrospect i should have folded probably. seeing him overvalue his hands earlier mightve led me to call this time (as he might be doing this with TT/99, but then again, he doesnt do this pf with those hands, so FML). a few others call. turn is 9, he bets again and i fold, the table maniac calls. the river is a brick and old nit jams, the maniac tanks for a bit and folds (LOL he had to pay like $100 more in a $500-600 pot).

there was a string raise later in a hand i wasn't involved in. azn nit opens to $30 pf after some limpers, old ass on the other end of the table makes a string raise to $120 (but was only allowed to rr like $50 more due to his string bet). old guy starts to argue a bit and the azn nit spazes. old guy eventually says "ok ok ok, whatever. you are only here to help i see". azn points at him and shakes his head, eventually saying "i am not here to help" (in super broken english)..."i'm here to take your ****ing money". old guy nods.

flop is Axx, old nit checks and folds to azn's all in (folds KK faceup). azn nit continues to grumble.

anyways, overall, a pretty ****tastic night. i lost about $800 when it was all said and done, ****ing pathetic if you take into account my opponents. i ran super damn cold, probably didn't play optimally in all spots either. oh well, maybe next time. at least i had some delicious country fried steak and a massage at the poker room.